A little bit sad, a little bit mad...

A few layouts and a rant.. and yes, I am obsessed with that red zebra striped paper from MAMBI. I have one sheet left and geez I NEED more!!
For months now, Trai has told me how no one makes a big deal of his birthday, or even acknowledges it. So for months I've told him that ain't how it works round here, so he'll have a big deal made of it, presents, birthday cake and all. Then we found out he might not be here, because he might have to go to work out of town. Yesterday he came home at lunch and said his boss man had gone home to South Carolina, with some personal business to deal with and wouldn't be back til next Thursday. Instantly, I was excited because that meant Tuesday for his birthday he would be here. Things were good, I was happy and excited, we had made it far enough to know that he would in fact be home for his birthday and Thanksgiving. We had planned to go riding Sunday, with Shyloh, to the outpost, which would have been an all day adeventure, and I was going to get mom to make him a birthday cake while we were gone and we were gonna really do up his birthday when we got home. All sounds good right?
Then Stacey called, and asked to speak to him. I never saw it coming, got blindsided. Since the boss was going to be out of town, Shyloh and Trai only had little bits and pieces of work to do, so they would have a slcak check. The boss got stacey to call and asked Trai if he would come with them for the week and roof his house (another of Trai's many talents, he's been a grave digger, roofer, truck driver, Marine, Heavy equipment operator, roofer, worked the chicken houses and a welder). He offered to pay him for it, that way he wouldn't have a messed up check or anything like that. Naturally Trai jumped at the chance. Now in Trai's defense, he really REALLY meant well. He meant to make some extra money for Christmas, for his kids, for my kids. Thats a cool thing. As he told me, my childrens daddy(s) don't give a damn, and I'll be hung out to dry right on my own. He means to take care of me and the kids. He meanswell, really he does. But my illogical mind got upset. First, I cried, and cried, and cried some more. He only had about 20 minutes to get packed and be ready, but I sqauwled that whole time. Then he went to actually leave and I got angry. How dare he not think about what we were supposed to do, or that he was going to miss his birthday that was so very important to me to make a big deal of. And Thanksgiving? You can hang that up. Even though Curt says they are coming home next Thursday, I just am not buying it. Maybe he doesn't realize that it's Thanksgiving, maybe he does. But personally, I can't see him and Stacey being at home (they are from South Carolina) and not having Thanksgiving with their family.
So..... We're on the heels of Hunter birthday and the anniversary of his death, plus the illogical half of my mind feels wronged by Trai. And I know, thats bad, I should not feel that way. There's a part of my brain that really feels that way. But then there's that nagging, loud part that says hey, he didn't care what you wanted or had planned, he did what he wanted to again.
Maybe thats part of being bipolar, thats all I can figure. To be able to see that someone is doing good for you, but still think they are the antichrist for making said descision. Maybe he'll make it home for Thanksgiving, maybe he won't. and maybe I'll still be sad and mad today, but maybe, we can hope, I won't...