So, I've avoided this post

as long as I can. I hate not being able to blog, I need to blog right now...
I guess my blog will make a major shift in direction, as the tattoo's and bikers have come to a halt in my life. For all the good that Trai was, there was a dark side to him, always was. There was a side that was wounded as a child by people and situations, a side to him that never thought he was good enough, that was beat down and tormented. And that side was a drinker. And lately, that side had come out in full force, the drinking becoming a daily thing, the hard liquor bringing out the worst in his temper, his mean spirited self, the self full of pain and agony, that caused him to lash out at others. His words had become knives that tore at my soul, until I had reached my breaking point. Even as I made my last ditch effort at standing by him, he was drunk on tequila and came unglued. Bad words turned to me trying to get my keys from him, which went from bad to worse. Police were involved and he was taken to jail, which broke my heart, but I knew it was what needed to be done.
People have chosen sides, including his best friend of ten years, who has chosen my side. Who, like me, sees that Trai needs help we cannot give him. So tough love it is. Trai and I may never speak again, he may not learn anything from this, he may never admit he has a problem. Or maybe, just maybe the reality of the situation will sober him up.
The main point of this post however is, thanks to addiciton, thanks to alcohol, I have as of now, lost the man that once was the love of my life. And my heart is breaking. We had many a good times, and he taught me so much, but I couldn't pull it out and love him well. I tried to do him like the kids, and love him til he wanted to do right, to kiss the pain away, but I was up against way more than I expected.
I don't hate him for what he did, I can't do that. I know in my heart that he, the well Trai that I fell in love with, would not have done the things he did, said the things he said and acted the way he did. He's sick and if ever he decides he really wants to be well, and he needs my help, I will give it to him. I will do all I can to help him. But he has to make that choice. He has to love me, hell himself, enough to chose to want to be better. I don't think it will happen.
So, thats where I stand, heartbroken and wounded, upset and pissed, confused and chaotic. Life has taken a drastic change and I'm trying to level that out in my head. But I'm here and I'm getting along the best I can...

Weekend blog challenge questions

So, I slacked and failed to answer yesterdays, and just to be sure I don't miss tommorows, I'm going to go ahead and do that too!
1) Your favorite Holiday Traditiion-
For all of my childhood, it was going to my gran Nonas for Christmas Eve. It was the best part of Christmas, seeing most of my favorite people, My grandaddy Red (before he passed away), my darling Uncle Bill (before he lost his mind), My Uncle Clay (because we were kids with a good healthy rivalry, he's only 13 months older than I). It was just the best part of Christmas anyway you looked at it. But things have changed, people changed or are gone, and it's not the same, nor is it our tradition anymore. Now I look forward to doing our own Christmas dinner, with mom, and each year for several years now doing it different. Cause you know, by the time Christmas gets here, theres already been Thanksgiving and maybe a Christmas meal or two. Turkey is not on top of my list. Last year it was all finger foods, it was fun, everyone wandered and ate good and had a great time...
2) Whats on top of your tree?
This year, and for a year or two now, it's been an angel is a turquoise robe. Has been known to be a glitterific star though..
3) Do you set up a nativity scene?
We did when I was a kid, and for the first few years of my kids lives, but we haven't in some time now..

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad

We'll start with that. It's mom and Dad's 32nd (I don't think it's the 33rd?) anniversary. Mom is snuggly sleeping in there and Dad is fighting the snow in the big truck somewhere up north, mad cause he couldn't be home. Love you both...

And in the spirit of an anniversary, I was doing some thinking last night after something Trai said to me. That poor boy, he's been beat down most of his life, so the simplest remark, like, "I really hate that shirt you're wearing", sets him in a tailspin. Now I'll give you, not all remarks I make are that simple. some are more along the lines of "Why do you have to use that tone with me" (that tone is the alpha dog voice as Savanna calls it that he seems to just naturally talk with, but I sometimes take a tad personal). Anyway, in the spirit of mom and dads anniversary, the fact that maazingly they've come over 30 years together, I've made a decision. I'm going to make an effort to really let the little tiny day to day you're so freaking aggravating me stuff go. Sure, if it's a BIG deal to me, it's worth saying something about. But this little teeny stuff that makes him feel like nothing he does or says is right, it's just not worth the fighting or hurt feelings (even if he is a little overly sensitive sometimes, hell, so am I). It'll be hard, cause control of my mouth is something I've never been good at AT ALL but truthfully, I'm pretty sure this boy is worth it....

Now, onto Sophia's blog challenge question today...

#6: When do you put up your decorations? Tell about your traditions, hopes, plans for decorating?

Normally, I am right on it, and get the decorations out the day after Thanksgiving (there have been years my mother has laid down the law and told me I absolutely could not put them up before Thanksgiving). This year I slacked a little. As far as traditions, since being grown, I've grown quite fond of white trees, with very loud obnoxious decorations, Hot pink ones mainly. I had a tree like that when Amos was like, 3. Then I moved back home with the kids and we didn't put up a seperate tree from mom. Since buying the house from mom and ada though, the year Keenan and Will were born, I bought a 6 foot tall white tree and it's loaded with hot pink, lime green and a bright turquoise kind of blue decorations. I love it, the kids love it, it's playful and fun and non traditional to most, but for us, its great. Trai on the other hand says it's unlike anything he's ever seen or had. He also says that just like me, it's almost too much (Is that good or bad for me?). I agree, it's alot like me, loud and colorful and bright. I like it that way.

Traditions as a child, I remember the little Home Interiors (anyone remember them? They still around?) mice, santa bank and nativity scene. I used to get to come home from my gran Nona's on Christmas eve and add baby jesus to the nativity scene before going to bed on Christmas eve. That was cool. and I miss those damn cute little mice and the Santa bank. Wonder where they got off to? Just a memory like childhood I guess, thats kind of a sad thought...

Playing Blog challenge catch up

I've missed 5 days of sophia's questions, so I thought I'd catch up today!!

1) Colored lights? White lights? None?

Outside, I'm a big fan of colored lights. On my tree (even if it wasn't white) I prefer white lights. And none? Who picked none? I can't imagine a Christmas tree without lights!!!

2)Hot chocolate or eggnog?

Big eggnog fan here. For the season, it's eggnog for sure. I can have hot chocolate anytime ya know...

3) Favorite holiday dish?

Again, just like at Thanksgiving, It's the fruit and marshmallow salad.

4) Does Santa wrap presents here?

Heck yeah, Santa thinks thats most of the fun. Santa wraps EVERY LITTLE THING.

5) Do you hang misteltoe?

I have before, but it's not a regular thing for me.If I could easily find it, I'm pretty sure I would.

As for anything else going on, not too much happening. A little peeved with Bobby, as he failed to pay his child support or tell me he did so until the day before it was supposed to arrive in the mail. And he's acting a bit shady about doing what he's supposed to do as far as Christmas is concerned. He's pissed that he has failed to get rid of Trai I guess. I really don't know what his malfunction is.

Trai is still sick, or rather he's sick again. He has quit hurting, but his morning when he got up to go to work, he was hurting like hell again. I'm feeling really bad, it's hard to watch Mr. Macho wince in pain every 2 minutes. Breaks my heart...

Sometime Last Week

I went a little crazy, got all manic and depressed and weird, about last Thursday. But My Hunter's 4 days are over, and I made it through them again. I'll spare everyone the details and leave you with a happy little story...

Yesterday, Trai took me on a ride, we finally made it to the Outpost. Had a nice ride, it wasn't too hot or too cold, not too much sunshine or too little. Trai got really sick coming home (after hours in the ER, determined it was not kidney stones but a SEVERE Urinary Tract Infection), but he made the best of it and tried really hard.

As we came through town I was looking at the Christmas lights and this is what was said...

ME "It's the damn Christmas lights again"

HIM "What are you talking about baby?"

ME "Remember the other night when I told you the last thing I expected ever in my life was to be riding down the road looking at lights from the back of a bike?"

HIM "Oh yeah."

apparently he could here the excitment or astoundment in my voice

HIM "Its something else to see them out in the open like that isn't it"

Me "Yeah... it is."

Maybe I should have told him what my mind really thought. It's like being a kid again, seeing everything brand sparkly shiny and new. For a moment I forgot I had spent all week, mad at the world, mad at god or whatever power. For a moment I was almost a kid again, that had never been hurt or dissappointed. I was truly excited and happy. Because of him, his world and way of seeing things...