Hypersensitive much?

You know, the thing is, I don't care for this time of the year anyway. Really, who would. In 1999, I told the doctors, you gotta take him before Thanksgiving if you want him born here in Birmingham. I told them I wouldn't make it to 39 weeks, I never had. They didn't listen. Even when I told them, I'm going to go eat my Turkey on Thursday, Shop some sales on Friday and be in labor Saturday, they didn't listen. I was just paranoid. Yeah.
So, I ate my turkey on Thanksgiving, I did a little bit of cleaning and a little bit of shopping on Friday. Saturday when I woke up, we headed to the Hospital in Enterprise. He was born there not Birmingham. Hours later, he went to UAB. I stayed in Enterprise. No one was there when he got there, no one could sign his papers and authorize the doctor to do anything. He sat and deteriorated til I could get there at 6pm the next night, then having to wait til Monday to have any of his surgeries. He had 2, or maybe it was three, thats becoming hazy. He went forward, he went back. Then they told me he wasn't strong enough for a transplant even if they could find a heart. Tuesday morning, I let him go, taking him off the machines that were failing him anyway. Tuesday, December 1st, the day they scheduled to induced, he was dead.
So yeah, maybe I'm a tad bit testy this time of the year. Damn it, I earned it. I'm not testy every day, not about that. I'm not wallowing in it every day, but can I get a week a year to mourn without someone being an asshole? No, I guess not.
This year is the first year I've been alone on Thanksgiving since the year he died. Don't get me wrong, when I say alone, my family is here, my kids are here. But tonight, when I go to sleep, and the nightmares start, I will be in that bed alone, because Trai is not here. That blows, and I mean really blows. I needed him here to keep me safe, to comfort me, to keep me warm. I'm not sure thats something he gets. This girlfriend with dead kids thing, it's new to him. And truthfully, he doesn't seem to know how to process it. The first time I took him to Tyler and Hunters graves, he was mortified. He told me he didn't know what to do or say. You know, It's nothing I wanted done, or said. I just wanted him there, here now. I want to feel ok, I don't need him to tell me why it happened or even that its gonna be ok. I need to be able to lay my head on him, smell him, and feel alright, feel a little bit safer, a little bit saner. He didn't get that. Maybe thats because I didn't know how to explain it to him.
I talked to him this morning, and yeah, I was a little testy, especially when he asked me the same question 5 times and wouldn't shut up and listen any of the five times that I answered him. Then yeah, maybe when he told me if that was what I thought, it was crazy and pathetic I got a little testier. And no, no matter what he thinks, thats not saying I have a problem with everything he says or does, or that I think he's a piece of shit. I mean, if I thought that would you being here make me feel better? Ummmm, Duh, no, it would not. 7 hours later, after he said, I'll call you in a little bit, he hasn't called. Everything I can do to occupy my mind is done. Dressing is mixed, just needs to be stuck in the oven tommorow. Turkey is brining, his birthday cake is baked, but not frosted, the cranberry ketchup is mixed and safely in the fridge. I can boil the chicken and make the dumplings, but I just took a shower and really don't feel like getting flour everywhere just yet. and my mind is wandering. He's somewhere, watching football, drinking a beer or 18, having Thanksgiving, not giving a thought in the world to his girlfriend here, alone and upset, who isn't having Thanksgiving because she postponed it so he could be here when he won't even kinda tell her what time he might be home.
So yeah, I'm a little bit testy. And if the mail dude or UPS or Fed Ex doesn't bring those damn boots tommorow, before he gets here, my head might damn well explode...