So, I've avoided this post

as long as I can. I hate not being able to blog, I need to blog right now...
I guess my blog will make a major shift in direction, as the tattoo's and bikers have come to a halt in my life. For all the good that Trai was, there was a dark side to him, always was. There was a side that was wounded as a child by people and situations, a side to him that never thought he was good enough, that was beat down and tormented. And that side was a drinker. And lately, that side had come out in full force, the drinking becoming a daily thing, the hard liquor bringing out the worst in his temper, his mean spirited self, the self full of pain and agony, that caused him to lash out at others. His words had become knives that tore at my soul, until I had reached my breaking point. Even as I made my last ditch effort at standing by him, he was drunk on tequila and came unglued. Bad words turned to me trying to get my keys from him, which went from bad to worse. Police were involved and he was taken to jail, which broke my heart, but I knew it was what needed to be done.
People have chosen sides, including his best friend of ten years, who has chosen my side. Who, like me, sees that Trai needs help we cannot give him. So tough love it is. Trai and I may never speak again, he may not learn anything from this, he may never admit he has a problem. Or maybe, just maybe the reality of the situation will sober him up.
The main point of this post however is, thanks to addiciton, thanks to alcohol, I have as of now, lost the man that once was the love of my life. And my heart is breaking. We had many a good times, and he taught me so much, but I couldn't pull it out and love him well. I tried to do him like the kids, and love him til he wanted to do right, to kiss the pain away, but I was up against way more than I expected.
I don't hate him for what he did, I can't do that. I know in my heart that he, the well Trai that I fell in love with, would not have done the things he did, said the things he said and acted the way he did. He's sick and if ever he decides he really wants to be well, and he needs my help, I will give it to him. I will do all I can to help him. But he has to make that choice. He has to love me, hell himself, enough to chose to want to be better. I don't think it will happen.
So, thats where I stand, heartbroken and wounded, upset and pissed, confused and chaotic. Life has taken a drastic change and I'm trying to level that out in my head. But I'm here and I'm getting along the best I can...