This picture

Says it all for me. Makes me smile, makes postponing Thanksgiving worth it, makes missing his actual birthday ok. He wasn't here on his birthday, no. But when I said, I made you a birthday cake, he said " I can't remember that last time someone did that". When I said I don't know you enough to know what kind of cake you liked, and you seemed like a red velvet type to me, he said "thats the only kind I eat, the kind my grandmother always made me". WhenI look at this picture I see that it doesn't matter to him that it was an ugly pitiful little cake that didn't rise like it was supposed to, that my writing sucked on or that his hot wheels motorcycle was held up with a toothpick. I see that he has that same look Keenan had when he looked at his cake in July. That "This is freaking awesome that I got a birthday cake" look. That it was appreciated and loved, even though it was late, and skimpy and flat and ugly. I see that I made him smile a genuine smile, no matter what day it was. And that makes it ok with me...

Hypersensitive much?

You know, the thing is, I don't care for this time of the year anyway. Really, who would. In 1999, I told the doctors, you gotta take him before Thanksgiving if you want him born here in Birmingham. I told them I wouldn't make it to 39 weeks, I never had. They didn't listen. Even when I told them, I'm going to go eat my Turkey on Thursday, Shop some sales on Friday and be in labor Saturday, they didn't listen. I was just paranoid. Yeah.
So, I ate my turkey on Thanksgiving, I did a little bit of cleaning and a little bit of shopping on Friday. Saturday when I woke up, we headed to the Hospital in Enterprise. He was born there not Birmingham. Hours later, he went to UAB. I stayed in Enterprise. No one was there when he got there, no one could sign his papers and authorize the doctor to do anything. He sat and deteriorated til I could get there at 6pm the next night, then having to wait til Monday to have any of his surgeries. He had 2, or maybe it was three, thats becoming hazy. He went forward, he went back. Then they told me he wasn't strong enough for a transplant even if they could find a heart. Tuesday morning, I let him go, taking him off the machines that were failing him anyway. Tuesday, December 1st, the day they scheduled to induced, he was dead.
So yeah, maybe I'm a tad bit testy this time of the year. Damn it, I earned it. I'm not testy every day, not about that. I'm not wallowing in it every day, but can I get a week a year to mourn without someone being an asshole? No, I guess not.
This year is the first year I've been alone on Thanksgiving since the year he died. Don't get me wrong, when I say alone, my family is here, my kids are here. But tonight, when I go to sleep, and the nightmares start, I will be in that bed alone, because Trai is not here. That blows, and I mean really blows. I needed him here to keep me safe, to comfort me, to keep me warm. I'm not sure thats something he gets. This girlfriend with dead kids thing, it's new to him. And truthfully, he doesn't seem to know how to process it. The first time I took him to Tyler and Hunters graves, he was mortified. He told me he didn't know what to do or say. You know, It's nothing I wanted done, or said. I just wanted him there, here now. I want to feel ok, I don't need him to tell me why it happened or even that its gonna be ok. I need to be able to lay my head on him, smell him, and feel alright, feel a little bit safer, a little bit saner. He didn't get that. Maybe thats because I didn't know how to explain it to him.
I talked to him this morning, and yeah, I was a little testy, especially when he asked me the same question 5 times and wouldn't shut up and listen any of the five times that I answered him. Then yeah, maybe when he told me if that was what I thought, it was crazy and pathetic I got a little testier. And no, no matter what he thinks, thats not saying I have a problem with everything he says or does, or that I think he's a piece of shit. I mean, if I thought that would you being here make me feel better? Ummmm, Duh, no, it would not. 7 hours later, after he said, I'll call you in a little bit, he hasn't called. Everything I can do to occupy my mind is done. Dressing is mixed, just needs to be stuck in the oven tommorow. Turkey is brining, his birthday cake is baked, but not frosted, the cranberry ketchup is mixed and safely in the fridge. I can boil the chicken and make the dumplings, but I just took a shower and really don't feel like getting flour everywhere just yet. and my mind is wandering. He's somewhere, watching football, drinking a beer or 18, having Thanksgiving, not giving a thought in the world to his girlfriend here, alone and upset, who isn't having Thanksgiving because she postponed it so he could be here when he won't even kinda tell her what time he might be home.
So yeah, I'm a little bit testy. And if the mail dude or UPS or Fed Ex doesn't bring those damn boots tommorow, before he gets here, my head might damn well explode...

Nothing much exciting

Thinking about all I need to do for Thanksgiving, what I can do ahead of time. Chop the celery and onions, sautee the, make the cornbread, make the cranberry ketchup, lets see, what else, boil the chicken, I could even go ahead and make the dumplings and put them in the freezer. That'll be a good chunk of stuff outta my way. Oh yeah, could go ahead and bake Trai's birthday cake and freeze it too. Sounds like a winning plan for the day, clean house, get ready for Friday.
Friday Friday, I'm so excited Trai will be home. It will be Friday night, but he'll get here. It's been so long since I've been without him by my side everyday. He's been a part of my daily life since May, and it was hard, for this to be our first time apart, and it be his birthday, and it be Thanksgiving. And he'll only be home for a short while, they have a job in Florida to contend with, Home for Christmas, gone to diving school in Minnesota in January, More work in Florida after that. Makes me kinda sad to think that our daily time together is done. At least for now. But it's a good job, and to get sent to school to get certified for underwater welding, well, thats a blessing right there. 10 years, or maybe less, of this and he can open his tattoo shop of his very own that he wants so badly. And he can be happy. Thats really all I've ever wanted for him, even though he doesn't always get that. The boy deserves to be happy, he's had a rough life. I want to make his life easier, I want to help him, I want to see that genuine smile of his. I just want so much for him.
I know, some of you out there are like what about you? You know, I wanted and I wanted and I wanted, as far as my career or goals go. And my biggest goal was to get my Tyler book out there, to get those memorial layouts out there. And I did that. All I ever wanted was to honor my kids that are gone. First, the wonderful Jane Guthrie at Scrapbooking and Beyond ran 4 of my layouts in her magazine. she paved the way for me, made me even more determined to get that book out there. She took the layout that I had spent 2 years submitting to every call it might fit, the first layout I ever did that truly stunned me, floored me and wowed me. It's the only layout I have ever had with so much praise, over 3 pages at 2peas. The first layout I ever posted, what brought me to 2peas and the pub. I owe that layout alot, alot of friendships because of it, alot of closure, alot of courage, alot of happiness.
Then Pinecone Press came into play. And yeah, sometimes I get mad with them. Sometimes they don't pay me as fast as I would like or they should. But they, Debra especially, stuck their neck out for me with "Always Remembered". Deb wasn't sure at all about releasing a book of memorial layouts, then I showed her what kind of work I was talking about. And lets face, everybody knows a dead person right (yeah, kinda crass sounding I know, but I have 2 kids, gone from this earth, I can word it how I want)? It might be a freind, a brother, a sister, a parent or grandparent, a child or a cousin. But we've all lost someone and we don't need to lose their memories too. Thank you to Pinecone Press for letting me share that with my book.
I guess you can tell by my posts, its creeping up on Hunters birthday. they get a little more focused towards he and Tyler by the day, as does my mind. I need to keep busy, keep scrapping, keep cooking, keep doing whatever it is I can to keep my mind right. I won't let this ruin me this year. I can't...

Ebay means Christmas!!

Need to make some Christmas cash, so I'm cleaning out the stash! I have some stamps up, some paper up, some idea books up. check it out if you think you might be interested!!
Me on Ebay

Postponing Thanksgiving... and other rambles

First off, today is Trai's birthday, so lets all tell him Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday Baby, I love you and Miss you, Can't wait to see you Friday.
Now onto my morning ramble.. First off, I made the best biscuits ever two night in a row, courteousy of the Orangette blog. Really as a southern girl, it's been kind of embarassing for years to not be able to make gravy or biscuits. Well folks, now I can make biscuits and they are HEAVEN. So check the blog out, she's funny and you can almost taste the food as she types about it. It's my newest obsession and I found it because someone on two peas was searching for it. Lucky coincidence, but I'll take it and run with it. And I'll be making these for thanksgiving. Which brings me to my next ramble.

Yep folks, I have postponed Thanksgiving. We decided that it would be best to wait til Friday so maybe Trai will be here. Maybe I mentioned that yesterday. I'm doing a turkey, dressing, chicken and dumplings, biscuits, cranberry ketchup, cranberry sauce, my fruit salad that was my favorite memory, mashed potatoes and a birthday cake for Trai. Looks like my Aunt will be bringing sodas and paper plates and napkins and maybe some sweets of some sort. I'm looking forward to it truth be told. It'll be nice to have my family that doesn't normally join us here, even my uncle said he was a possibility, but I shall not hold my breath on that one.

I remember when I was a kid, Bill was my favorite uncle. I thought he could do no wrong. Hell, he was my favorite person. He played in a band for many many years, and my mom would go see him, when I was 13 or 14, and she would take the video camera so that she could record it, so I could see it, because I couldn't get in bars ya know. And he would sing a song for me, and a song for Angela, Dedicate it to us. For me it was most often "Freinds in Low Places" for Angela it was "Don't rock the jukebox". Things like that kept him my favorite uncle for many many years. I remember the first time I got to see him play, he played at this bar that had had their liquor liscense taken away, so it was a bring your own booze joint, and you could get in at 19. I jumped at the chance. My boyfriend at the time got super mad at me and took off walking. I stayed, not leaving my uncle Bill, and watched a good bit of the show, before picking up bf on the side of the road, walking home later.

Then it happened. First, I lost my Hunter and Tyler. I'm not really sure how long after that it was, but their son Jeff, was killed in a car wreck later on. They were protective parents, never letting him off alone. He and their daughter were all star baseball/ softball players their whole lives, With Bill and Tammy never missing a game or practice. One night after a game, they let Jeff ride with a freind who was a little bit older and he wrecked, going too fast on a dirt road. The third boy in the truck ran miles for help, and Jeff lay under that truck alive for a long time. When they lifted it off of him, he drowned on his own blood. My Uncle and his wife have never been the same.

It was so painful to watch. For the viewing, they had a closed casket, but there were 100's of people, as there always is for a high schooler. All the people he had played ball with from tball on up, all of his friends, all of their freinds. They sat two chairs next to the casket and sat my Aunt and Uncle right there. It was a cruel thing, to put them there for a parade of 100's of people. When I got to my Aunt, I felt sorry for her for the first time in my life. I had never liked her that much, we had never been close, she had for years had that better than everyone syndrome. She looked at me and said "Jamie, how do you do it". I never knew how to answer her and it was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever heard, she grabbed me and hugged me and I thought she would never ever let go.

I guess this long ramble comes from this. I'm torn up right now a bit. I know Hunters birthday is exactly one week away. 4 days later it will be the 8 year anniversary of his death. You know, I'm feeling sad, and sick and just yuck. And maybe thats why I harped on Trai so much about leaving. And maybe he doesn't understand that. But in the grand scheme of things, I'm doing well. I've had people tell me I'm living in the past, I've had peopl tell me I just need to "get over it". I can't just get over it. There's no magic pill. But I am thankful everyday I'm not one fo those hollow shells of a person that some people become when they lose a child. My Aunt and Uncle did that. Not working for months, not leaving home. Building a new house and moving Jeff's room into that new house, exactly as it was in the old house. They've never fought their way out of it. Tammy took up drinking, the thing she had the biggest problem with as far as my uncle was concerned my entire life. Bill took up more drinking, and maybe even some pills, more than his dosage. They are blank, not the same people. Thier daughter suffered too, turning to crystal meth, getting into more trouble than anyone can count, getting pregnant, leaving the baby with them. I'm sad for them, heartbroken. It's like they lost both of their children, and those kids were the absolute center of their life. And I lost my uncle. He's no longer my favorite becuase he can't be bothered to be. The dissention had began before his loss, but it grew like a festering monster once he checked out of our world. I've always hoped he'd some day check back in.

So ladies, if you know someone who has lost a child, do me a favor, hug them today, tell them you understand, tell them you're there, no matter the day or time. It might make all the difference. They might need that to not check out. This life of an angel mom or dad, it's tough. And people don't realize what it does to us inside. Try and hear me ok? Try and be there for someone, anyone. You might just be what they are thankful for this year. You might make the difference. And Uncle Bill, even though you haven't a clue about my blog, or my feelings, I hope you really come this year. I need you back, I want you back.

I Love you~

"Jambo"

The weekend, good, bad and ugly

Wow, it was eventful. And boy did it make me miss Trai even more. Worked the bar Friday night to a full crowd. And they had about a million requests. I asked somebody why it is nobody makes requests when Trai wroks as DJ and was told he just looks too mean. That made me giggle a bit. Everyone having a million requests kept me busy, but it made life pretty damn easy too, so that was ok ok.
Saturday was a horse of a different color. Dothan Bikefest was this weekend and Shyloh didn't want to go alone, so he bought me an armband Friday and told me I was his for Saturday. Yeah. I woke up after going to bed at 3 am with heartburn so bad from those hashbrowns and patty melt when I got off work that it made me sick, really sick. Get over that, smoke a ciggarette, drink a cup of coffee, chain smoke another half a pack, drink 5 more cups of coffee, yeah, maybe now we're awake...
I call Shyloh to see what time he'll be here to get me, he tells me between 930 and 10, so I decide I best be getting dressed. Get my hair pulled back, my makeup on, find something to wear, get my 3 pairs of socks on (yeah, ummm, my feet are not gonna be cold on that bike) pick up my boots and oh my god, I am going to KILL THAT DOG! I turn my boot upside down and pour bubbles out of it. Yeah, so I keep a gallon of bubbles in my closet. And maybe I shouldn't have left the closet door open, but in my haste to get dressed for work, I did. And apparently that gallon of bubbles looked good to my darlin puppy dog. He chewed through the bottle and they leaked out into my damn Harley boots. Thats ok, I can wear my uggs, right? Ummmm no, full of bubbles too. So I throw my Harley boots in the dryer and pout while I hear clunk clunk clunk.
Shyloh gets here, comes in and waits on me to finish getting dressed. I get my chaps on, get my almost dry boots on, my toboggan, my bandanna on my face (yeah, it's cold, I'm riding round here looking like a pink leopard skin bank robber), gloves, goggles, helmet. Head towards the bike and what the hell, Shylohs bike won't crank. The battery he has just charged is dead. He tries and tries, tries to push it off, nothing. So I go find a key to Trai's. Bobby calls and says Gerald is on his way, so now we gotta wait on him. Finally Gerald gets there and we are on our way.
Now for those of you that don't know, I got on the bike for the first time in June. I had only been on one once before and was terrified. I was still terrified in June, but Trai got me used to it and now one might argue I like to ride more than him. But riding with Shyloh was different. First off, Shyloh is taller and skinnier. The windflow on me is different. And I don't like it. Then Shyloh leans into the curves more and harder than Trai. and I'm not so sure about that either. And there's the dfact that Shyloh is a speed demon, and I'm not so big on that either. Don't get me wrong, Trai is too, but he knows better when I'm on the bike with him. Shyloh also rides the very edge of the road, wow, I hate that. So I pray, all the way to Dothan, just let me make it, LOL. Get there and the place is almost a ghost town. Write it off to being 11 in the morning. We wander, for a few hours, it's still barely anyone there. Bikefest was a bust, for sure. So Shyloh says lets go have a beer, and the next thing I know, we're in Florida. I come home, try to catch a nap and get ready for work. At 11, I was realeased from my DJ duties, cause the bar was DEAD. I just gave up, wrote it up as a bad day and came home to sleep. Sunday nothing special happened, watched the last race of the season and Thank god Jimmie Johnson kept that title away from Jeff Gordon. Yeah, I hate em both, but he was the lesser of two evils...
So for thanksgiving, we decied to postpone it. Yeah, who knew you could do that right? So I'm gonna cook on Friday, so Trai can be here. My grandmother is coming, and one of my aunts, with her children and my Uncle Clays children (he and his wife are out of town working), so thats ummm, counting my kids, 10 kids, because Jennifer and Jonathon and Ronnie will be here too. So my Thanksgiving that wasn't happening has turned kinda big. and that makes me happy...
Here's a few pics from bikefest. Some really pretty bikes and some really old bikes. Enjoy!!

Feeling a little better

Been thinking hard about Why Trai did what he did. And even though I am a little upset that he won't be here for our first Thanksgiving together, I totally get it. He's trying to do right by me, something that I can't remember the last time a man did. He put me and the kids first, something else I'm not used to. He wanted to make sure that Santa came, without it being stressful, He wanted to make sure we had a good Christmas and I didn't have to scrape it together at the last minute. Thats an honorable thing. Maybe to some of you reading this, that doesn't sound honorable, but normal. To me, in my "man" experience, thats something. Alecia and I have talked about this several times, as have mom and I, it's something about my generation it seems, my age bracket of men. Most of them just SUCK. They are for the most part selfish and just don't give a damn. Finally I found one that I can adore, that does give a damn, thats really not selfish in the least. He's Helpful to the point of people taking advantage of him, like stealing his car (yep, that was just a few weeks ago), breaking into his house and stealing his stuff. Trusting to a fault. But I love him for it, and he continues to be like that even though it continues to get him burned. Thats the sign of a really good man. And he's mine. Thats so cool...
Hope you all have a good day!!