Happy Birthday

yeah, so this day sucks.

I hate it every year,

I think maybe more by the year.

8 years old. Wow. How big would you be? Would you be more like Amos, Jakob or Keenan? Maybe you'd be like Tyler was before he died. Would you be tall or short? Big ears? Little ears? Like your hair longer or shorter, or just plain buzzed like Jake? Would it be dark or light? Curly or straight? Would you like bugs and frogs or cars or video games or music or books? These questions plague me, break my heart each and every year. There are a million more I could sit here and ask. Would that heart the other baby got have saved you if I hadn't taken you off of the support? Or would it have been a waste of a heart, just keeping you hangin on for a few more days. Or maybe you wouldn't have even made it through the transplant surgery. Maybe it would have gotten you home, by my birthday. Maybe you'd have been fine, or maybe something would have gone wrong, after I got you home, after EVERYONE and not just myself got attatched, 4 hours away from the doctors that would have known you and you'd have never had a chance here at home.

Maybe I should have made sure Amos and Tyler got to see you before you left Enterprise. Maybe it would have made Tyler feel better, more complete. Maybe he wouldn't have been so heartbroken those last few months of his life. Maybe it wouldn't have made a damn difference in the world.

Maybes are the killers, the ones that keep you up at night, the ones that take your breath away when you least expect it. Like Friday night, at the bar, with someone other than Trai in charge of the music for a few minutes. In that moment he chose to play the dance. I was from laughing and talking to crying, sobbing hysterically in the middle of a bar in 1/2 a second flat. Trai not really sure what was going on until I explained, that was THE funeral song. That was the song Bill said I could've warned him about. Hell, maybe I should have warned myself. To love that song so much, only to hate it later, hate it with a passion now, but every once in a while have to play it,to tear open that wound that I often should know better. Like a scab thats almost healed, so it hurts more, tears the skin and bleeds like hell. But every once in a while I, or some strange fluke of luck or some smell, sound or sight triggers it. Ripped off with a vengance.

Sometimes I think it made me stronger, sometimes I think it wwas all a waste. A waste of a life, a waste of my soul, a waste of alot of pain that never had to be gone through. Mom didn't need it, my dad didn't need to struggle with it, I surely never asked for it. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.

And where the hell were those friends of mine? Elijah, yeah, he had to convienently leave out of town for a job with Cody as I stood in the yard dressed for the funeral. And Gerald. Who the hell knows where he got off to. He went amiss about 2 weeks before Hunter was born, later coming back and giving me some lame excuse that I accepted. And how about Lisa, who couldn'tcome to me cause she had just "lost" a baby too. Because as I struggled to save my childs life she was 4 streets over having an abortion. Friends, yeah, gotta love them all.

Maybe the only person I can truly say was there was my mom. Kathy tried to be, but pregnant, Clay didn't want her around it. My dad wanted no part in it, no part in seeing him before he died,no part in seeing him after he died. No part of it period, because after all, you have to brace yourself for the worst, thats what he told me. No need to get attached. I ish it had been that easy. I wish that when I was 5 months pregnant and Dr. Banach had told me, I could have just cut that attachment off. But hell no, I had to be one of those save the world people, I TRULY believed I could save him, that there was no reason he couldn't just have his heart fixed or get a new one. Stupid I was at 23.

Those were the days though. The days that I thought the worst you got was a bad husband, and hell you just left him. I thought kids outlived parents, babies never died and medicine could save anyone, with any problem.

Even after I accepted that wasn't the case, then I wanted to know why. Hell I still want to know why. Whats the purpose in giving a mother a child that will never see the light of day? Whats the purpose in hours and hours in a waiting room, to be given good news, to having it taken back? Whats the point in pain that tears families apart, that damages people to the point that they are never the same again? Whats the point in spending the rest of my life, doubting choices I made and wondering why I had to make them in the first place?

Why do I live every year, dreading this day? Why do I have to? There should be presents and a birthday cake and excitement. Instead there are tears held inside, lots of hours, lots of days, losts of weeks, lots of years. And is it even reasonable to still be mourning a child I never knew on his birthday 8 years later? A child whose eyes I never saw, who I didn't get to truly hold touch and feel until he was gone? A child whose face I can't remember, because it was covered with tape and wires and tubes. A child who was in a drug induced coma, paralyzed his entire 4 days of life. A child that I don't know anything about, right down to his weight because 2 hospitals and a life flight crew all have different weights for him within a 12 hour period.

A child that never took a bottle, whose cry I never heard, eyes I never saw, never walked, talked, laughed, got his first tooth, played his first ball game, watched his first race with me, made me one of those cheesy mothers day presents at school, a toilet paper roll turkey or a really bad, really glittery kindergarten Christmas ornament. What's there to be attached to?

I'll tell you, it was the idea of him. The preperation for him, the anticipation of him. I felt him kick, I felt him move, he made me miserable for many months, from morning sickness to sitting on a nerve that made my hip have a constant twitch for the last 3 months of my pregnancy. I kind of knew him. In my mind. He was active, moving about for hours on end each day. He kicked and he kicked HARD. Just like any normal pregnancy, you get to know them, as they grow. ? I know he was more active at 2am than 8am. I know he was a night time baby. I know he made me crave Reeses cups and subway. I knew enough to be attached. I knew enough to love my child even without ever seing his eyes. And those that take issue with that, well, they can kiss my ass. Happy Birthday Hunter, I love you and miss you.

A good weekend

Wow, Thanksgiving, even late, was good.

Auburn beating Alabama, that was awesome. There was no way I wanted to have to listen to Trai about Alabama winning for the next year. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, google "Iron Bowl". In college football rivalries ESPN ranked it second, only behind Army/ Navy. Thats a hardcore rivalry right there, something here in Bama we take very seriously, the only football game I watch all year. When kids are born here, their team is decided, til they get old enough to choose on their own. Luckily, none of mine have deflected to the enemy, although we did have a close call with Jakob one year.

A little peeved about Trai's boots. Did finally get a tracking number. Dude told me they would ship Monday, told me they did ship Tuesday, and in truth, they shipped Wendsday. And they'll be here this Wendsday. Pfffffft, stupid ebay stores. Oh well, he'll still get them and he'll still love them.

So anyway, Saturday was alright, won the game, went out for a few beers, came home. Were supposed to go riding to the Outpost yesterday, we've been trying to go for about three months, never made it. Woke up it was foggy and not too pretty looking, but, go figure it never did rain, until today. Did get a short little ride around town though, which was nice since Trai had been gone for those ten days.

Today it pours cats and dogs and Trai doesn't have to work, which is good, because he seems to have the flu again. Poor fellow. He finished my tattoo about 1am (yeah, we did another!), thought he was just tired, but then the shakes came, then the fever. No good at all, so thank god for rain and a day off.

And my tattoo, might be my new favorite. We put it on the leg with my Marah Johnson pink pig tailed skull, keeping with the theme of that leg. It's my kind of funky, kind of punk leg. I'll be adding Marah's drop dead red skull to it, as well as the pink cherries and that evil little bear. So this one, it was a kinda comic looking skull, in the start it had flames right behind it with some smoke behind that. I photoshopped all that out, left the stars and told Trai I wanted roses, yes roses. Now, this was shocking on a number of levels because :

(a) I said I never wanted flowers on me (yeah, that went out the window with the koi)

(b) I said I never wanted no stinking roses (yeah, I'm an anti rose girl, such standard flowers to me, don't by me roses, yuck, I'm a wildflower, sunflower kind of girl)

(c) Trai had just said he HATED doing roses, he was sick of them. I thought his head might explode when he said, just tell me what you want me to make your background out of and I'll do it baby.

It turned out awesome, colorful as usual, even though I did doubt him and argue with him when he added all 8 colors (yeah, I asked for three, he said trust me). And the kicker?

Amos, Savanna and Jakes names in the banner? They wrote them, trai tattooed them. Thats the bomb right there. Trai saves the day again, all I had was some scans of their handwriting, he took it, made it his own and rocked it. And thats just one of the gazillion reasons I love him.

This picture

Says it all for me. Makes me smile, makes postponing Thanksgiving worth it, makes missing his actual birthday ok. He wasn't here on his birthday, no. But when I said, I made you a birthday cake, he said " I can't remember that last time someone did that". When I said I don't know you enough to know what kind of cake you liked, and you seemed like a red velvet type to me, he said "thats the only kind I eat, the kind my grandmother always made me". WhenI look at this picture I see that it doesn't matter to him that it was an ugly pitiful little cake that didn't rise like it was supposed to, that my writing sucked on or that his hot wheels motorcycle was held up with a toothpick. I see that he has that same look Keenan had when he looked at his cake in July. That "This is freaking awesome that I got a birthday cake" look. That it was appreciated and loved, even though it was late, and skimpy and flat and ugly. I see that I made him smile a genuine smile, no matter what day it was. And that makes it ok with me...

Hypersensitive much?

You know, the thing is, I don't care for this time of the year anyway. Really, who would. In 1999, I told the doctors, you gotta take him before Thanksgiving if you want him born here in Birmingham. I told them I wouldn't make it to 39 weeks, I never had. They didn't listen. Even when I told them, I'm going to go eat my Turkey on Thursday, Shop some sales on Friday and be in labor Saturday, they didn't listen. I was just paranoid. Yeah.
So, I ate my turkey on Thanksgiving, I did a little bit of cleaning and a little bit of shopping on Friday. Saturday when I woke up, we headed to the Hospital in Enterprise. He was born there not Birmingham. Hours later, he went to UAB. I stayed in Enterprise. No one was there when he got there, no one could sign his papers and authorize the doctor to do anything. He sat and deteriorated til I could get there at 6pm the next night, then having to wait til Monday to have any of his surgeries. He had 2, or maybe it was three, thats becoming hazy. He went forward, he went back. Then they told me he wasn't strong enough for a transplant even if they could find a heart. Tuesday morning, I let him go, taking him off the machines that were failing him anyway. Tuesday, December 1st, the day they scheduled to induced, he was dead.
So yeah, maybe I'm a tad bit testy this time of the year. Damn it, I earned it. I'm not testy every day, not about that. I'm not wallowing in it every day, but can I get a week a year to mourn without someone being an asshole? No, I guess not.
This year is the first year I've been alone on Thanksgiving since the year he died. Don't get me wrong, when I say alone, my family is here, my kids are here. But tonight, when I go to sleep, and the nightmares start, I will be in that bed alone, because Trai is not here. That blows, and I mean really blows. I needed him here to keep me safe, to comfort me, to keep me warm. I'm not sure thats something he gets. This girlfriend with dead kids thing, it's new to him. And truthfully, he doesn't seem to know how to process it. The first time I took him to Tyler and Hunters graves, he was mortified. He told me he didn't know what to do or say. You know, It's nothing I wanted done, or said. I just wanted him there, here now. I want to feel ok, I don't need him to tell me why it happened or even that its gonna be ok. I need to be able to lay my head on him, smell him, and feel alright, feel a little bit safer, a little bit saner. He didn't get that. Maybe thats because I didn't know how to explain it to him.
I talked to him this morning, and yeah, I was a little testy, especially when he asked me the same question 5 times and wouldn't shut up and listen any of the five times that I answered him. Then yeah, maybe when he told me if that was what I thought, it was crazy and pathetic I got a little testier. And no, no matter what he thinks, thats not saying I have a problem with everything he says or does, or that I think he's a piece of shit. I mean, if I thought that would you being here make me feel better? Ummmm, Duh, no, it would not. 7 hours later, after he said, I'll call you in a little bit, he hasn't called. Everything I can do to occupy my mind is done. Dressing is mixed, just needs to be stuck in the oven tommorow. Turkey is brining, his birthday cake is baked, but not frosted, the cranberry ketchup is mixed and safely in the fridge. I can boil the chicken and make the dumplings, but I just took a shower and really don't feel like getting flour everywhere just yet. and my mind is wandering. He's somewhere, watching football, drinking a beer or 18, having Thanksgiving, not giving a thought in the world to his girlfriend here, alone and upset, who isn't having Thanksgiving because she postponed it so he could be here when he won't even kinda tell her what time he might be home.
So yeah, I'm a little bit testy. And if the mail dude or UPS or Fed Ex doesn't bring those damn boots tommorow, before he gets here, my head might damn well explode...

Nothing much exciting

Thinking about all I need to do for Thanksgiving, what I can do ahead of time. Chop the celery and onions, sautee the, make the cornbread, make the cranberry ketchup, lets see, what else, boil the chicken, I could even go ahead and make the dumplings and put them in the freezer. That'll be a good chunk of stuff outta my way. Oh yeah, could go ahead and bake Trai's birthday cake and freeze it too. Sounds like a winning plan for the day, clean house, get ready for Friday.
Friday Friday, I'm so excited Trai will be home. It will be Friday night, but he'll get here. It's been so long since I've been without him by my side everyday. He's been a part of my daily life since May, and it was hard, for this to be our first time apart, and it be his birthday, and it be Thanksgiving. And he'll only be home for a short while, they have a job in Florida to contend with, Home for Christmas, gone to diving school in Minnesota in January, More work in Florida after that. Makes me kinda sad to think that our daily time together is done. At least for now. But it's a good job, and to get sent to school to get certified for underwater welding, well, thats a blessing right there. 10 years, or maybe less, of this and he can open his tattoo shop of his very own that he wants so badly. And he can be happy. Thats really all I've ever wanted for him, even though he doesn't always get that. The boy deserves to be happy, he's had a rough life. I want to make his life easier, I want to help him, I want to see that genuine smile of his. I just want so much for him.
I know, some of you out there are like what about you? You know, I wanted and I wanted and I wanted, as far as my career or goals go. And my biggest goal was to get my Tyler book out there, to get those memorial layouts out there. And I did that. All I ever wanted was to honor my kids that are gone. First, the wonderful Jane Guthrie at Scrapbooking and Beyond ran 4 of my layouts in her magazine. she paved the way for me, made me even more determined to get that book out there. She took the layout that I had spent 2 years submitting to every call it might fit, the first layout I ever did that truly stunned me, floored me and wowed me. It's the only layout I have ever had with so much praise, over 3 pages at 2peas. The first layout I ever posted, what brought me to 2peas and the pub. I owe that layout alot, alot of friendships because of it, alot of closure, alot of courage, alot of happiness.
Then Pinecone Press came into play. And yeah, sometimes I get mad with them. Sometimes they don't pay me as fast as I would like or they should. But they, Debra especially, stuck their neck out for me with "Always Remembered". Deb wasn't sure at all about releasing a book of memorial layouts, then I showed her what kind of work I was talking about. And lets face, everybody knows a dead person right (yeah, kinda crass sounding I know, but I have 2 kids, gone from this earth, I can word it how I want)? It might be a freind, a brother, a sister, a parent or grandparent, a child or a cousin. But we've all lost someone and we don't need to lose their memories too. Thank you to Pinecone Press for letting me share that with my book.
I guess you can tell by my posts, its creeping up on Hunters birthday. they get a little more focused towards he and Tyler by the day, as does my mind. I need to keep busy, keep scrapping, keep cooking, keep doing whatever it is I can to keep my mind right. I won't let this ruin me this year. I can't...

Ebay means Christmas!!

Need to make some Christmas cash, so I'm cleaning out the stash! I have some stamps up, some paper up, some idea books up. check it out if you think you might be interested!!
Me on Ebay

Postponing Thanksgiving... and other rambles

First off, today is Trai's birthday, so lets all tell him Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday Baby, I love you and Miss you, Can't wait to see you Friday.
Now onto my morning ramble.. First off, I made the best biscuits ever two night in a row, courteousy of the Orangette blog. Really as a southern girl, it's been kind of embarassing for years to not be able to make gravy or biscuits. Well folks, now I can make biscuits and they are HEAVEN. So check the blog out, she's funny and you can almost taste the food as she types about it. It's my newest obsession and I found it because someone on two peas was searching for it. Lucky coincidence, but I'll take it and run with it. And I'll be making these for thanksgiving. Which brings me to my next ramble.

Yep folks, I have postponed Thanksgiving. We decided that it would be best to wait til Friday so maybe Trai will be here. Maybe I mentioned that yesterday. I'm doing a turkey, dressing, chicken and dumplings, biscuits, cranberry ketchup, cranberry sauce, my fruit salad that was my favorite memory, mashed potatoes and a birthday cake for Trai. Looks like my Aunt will be bringing sodas and paper plates and napkins and maybe some sweets of some sort. I'm looking forward to it truth be told. It'll be nice to have my family that doesn't normally join us here, even my uncle said he was a possibility, but I shall not hold my breath on that one.

I remember when I was a kid, Bill was my favorite uncle. I thought he could do no wrong. Hell, he was my favorite person. He played in a band for many many years, and my mom would go see him, when I was 13 or 14, and she would take the video camera so that she could record it, so I could see it, because I couldn't get in bars ya know. And he would sing a song for me, and a song for Angela, Dedicate it to us. For me it was most often "Freinds in Low Places" for Angela it was "Don't rock the jukebox". Things like that kept him my favorite uncle for many many years. I remember the first time I got to see him play, he played at this bar that had had their liquor liscense taken away, so it was a bring your own booze joint, and you could get in at 19. I jumped at the chance. My boyfriend at the time got super mad at me and took off walking. I stayed, not leaving my uncle Bill, and watched a good bit of the show, before picking up bf on the side of the road, walking home later.

Then it happened. First, I lost my Hunter and Tyler. I'm not really sure how long after that it was, but their son Jeff, was killed in a car wreck later on. They were protective parents, never letting him off alone. He and their daughter were all star baseball/ softball players their whole lives, With Bill and Tammy never missing a game or practice. One night after a game, they let Jeff ride with a freind who was a little bit older and he wrecked, going too fast on a dirt road. The third boy in the truck ran miles for help, and Jeff lay under that truck alive for a long time. When they lifted it off of him, he drowned on his own blood. My Uncle and his wife have never been the same.

It was so painful to watch. For the viewing, they had a closed casket, but there were 100's of people, as there always is for a high schooler. All the people he had played ball with from tball on up, all of his friends, all of their freinds. They sat two chairs next to the casket and sat my Aunt and Uncle right there. It was a cruel thing, to put them there for a parade of 100's of people. When I got to my Aunt, I felt sorry for her for the first time in my life. I had never liked her that much, we had never been close, she had for years had that better than everyone syndrome. She looked at me and said "Jamie, how do you do it". I never knew how to answer her and it was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever heard, she grabbed me and hugged me and I thought she would never ever let go.

I guess this long ramble comes from this. I'm torn up right now a bit. I know Hunters birthday is exactly one week away. 4 days later it will be the 8 year anniversary of his death. You know, I'm feeling sad, and sick and just yuck. And maybe thats why I harped on Trai so much about leaving. And maybe he doesn't understand that. But in the grand scheme of things, I'm doing well. I've had people tell me I'm living in the past, I've had peopl tell me I just need to "get over it". I can't just get over it. There's no magic pill. But I am thankful everyday I'm not one fo those hollow shells of a person that some people become when they lose a child. My Aunt and Uncle did that. Not working for months, not leaving home. Building a new house and moving Jeff's room into that new house, exactly as it was in the old house. They've never fought their way out of it. Tammy took up drinking, the thing she had the biggest problem with as far as my uncle was concerned my entire life. Bill took up more drinking, and maybe even some pills, more than his dosage. They are blank, not the same people. Thier daughter suffered too, turning to crystal meth, getting into more trouble than anyone can count, getting pregnant, leaving the baby with them. I'm sad for them, heartbroken. It's like they lost both of their children, and those kids were the absolute center of their life. And I lost my uncle. He's no longer my favorite becuase he can't be bothered to be. The dissention had began before his loss, but it grew like a festering monster once he checked out of our world. I've always hoped he'd some day check back in.

So ladies, if you know someone who has lost a child, do me a favor, hug them today, tell them you understand, tell them you're there, no matter the day or time. It might make all the difference. They might need that to not check out. This life of an angel mom or dad, it's tough. And people don't realize what it does to us inside. Try and hear me ok? Try and be there for someone, anyone. You might just be what they are thankful for this year. You might make the difference. And Uncle Bill, even though you haven't a clue about my blog, or my feelings, I hope you really come this year. I need you back, I want you back.

I Love you~

"Jambo"

The weekend, good, bad and ugly

Wow, it was eventful. And boy did it make me miss Trai even more. Worked the bar Friday night to a full crowd. And they had about a million requests. I asked somebody why it is nobody makes requests when Trai wroks as DJ and was told he just looks too mean. That made me giggle a bit. Everyone having a million requests kept me busy, but it made life pretty damn easy too, so that was ok ok.
Saturday was a horse of a different color. Dothan Bikefest was this weekend and Shyloh didn't want to go alone, so he bought me an armband Friday and told me I was his for Saturday. Yeah. I woke up after going to bed at 3 am with heartburn so bad from those hashbrowns and patty melt when I got off work that it made me sick, really sick. Get over that, smoke a ciggarette, drink a cup of coffee, chain smoke another half a pack, drink 5 more cups of coffee, yeah, maybe now we're awake...
I call Shyloh to see what time he'll be here to get me, he tells me between 930 and 10, so I decide I best be getting dressed. Get my hair pulled back, my makeup on, find something to wear, get my 3 pairs of socks on (yeah, ummm, my feet are not gonna be cold on that bike) pick up my boots and oh my god, I am going to KILL THAT DOG! I turn my boot upside down and pour bubbles out of it. Yeah, so I keep a gallon of bubbles in my closet. And maybe I shouldn't have left the closet door open, but in my haste to get dressed for work, I did. And apparently that gallon of bubbles looked good to my darlin puppy dog. He chewed through the bottle and they leaked out into my damn Harley boots. Thats ok, I can wear my uggs, right? Ummmm no, full of bubbles too. So I throw my Harley boots in the dryer and pout while I hear clunk clunk clunk.
Shyloh gets here, comes in and waits on me to finish getting dressed. I get my chaps on, get my almost dry boots on, my toboggan, my bandanna on my face (yeah, it's cold, I'm riding round here looking like a pink leopard skin bank robber), gloves, goggles, helmet. Head towards the bike and what the hell, Shylohs bike won't crank. The battery he has just charged is dead. He tries and tries, tries to push it off, nothing. So I go find a key to Trai's. Bobby calls and says Gerald is on his way, so now we gotta wait on him. Finally Gerald gets there and we are on our way.
Now for those of you that don't know, I got on the bike for the first time in June. I had only been on one once before and was terrified. I was still terrified in June, but Trai got me used to it and now one might argue I like to ride more than him. But riding with Shyloh was different. First off, Shyloh is taller and skinnier. The windflow on me is different. And I don't like it. Then Shyloh leans into the curves more and harder than Trai. and I'm not so sure about that either. And there's the dfact that Shyloh is a speed demon, and I'm not so big on that either. Don't get me wrong, Trai is too, but he knows better when I'm on the bike with him. Shyloh also rides the very edge of the road, wow, I hate that. So I pray, all the way to Dothan, just let me make it, LOL. Get there and the place is almost a ghost town. Write it off to being 11 in the morning. We wander, for a few hours, it's still barely anyone there. Bikefest was a bust, for sure. So Shyloh says lets go have a beer, and the next thing I know, we're in Florida. I come home, try to catch a nap and get ready for work. At 11, I was realeased from my DJ duties, cause the bar was DEAD. I just gave up, wrote it up as a bad day and came home to sleep. Sunday nothing special happened, watched the last race of the season and Thank god Jimmie Johnson kept that title away from Jeff Gordon. Yeah, I hate em both, but he was the lesser of two evils...
So for thanksgiving, we decied to postpone it. Yeah, who knew you could do that right? So I'm gonna cook on Friday, so Trai can be here. My grandmother is coming, and one of my aunts, with her children and my Uncle Clays children (he and his wife are out of town working), so thats ummm, counting my kids, 10 kids, because Jennifer and Jonathon and Ronnie will be here too. So my Thanksgiving that wasn't happening has turned kinda big. and that makes me happy...
Here's a few pics from bikefest. Some really pretty bikes and some really old bikes. Enjoy!!

Feeling a little better

Been thinking hard about Why Trai did what he did. And even though I am a little upset that he won't be here for our first Thanksgiving together, I totally get it. He's trying to do right by me, something that I can't remember the last time a man did. He put me and the kids first, something else I'm not used to. He wanted to make sure that Santa came, without it being stressful, He wanted to make sure we had a good Christmas and I didn't have to scrape it together at the last minute. Thats an honorable thing. Maybe to some of you reading this, that doesn't sound honorable, but normal. To me, in my "man" experience, thats something. Alecia and I have talked about this several times, as have mom and I, it's something about my generation it seems, my age bracket of men. Most of them just SUCK. They are for the most part selfish and just don't give a damn. Finally I found one that I can adore, that does give a damn, thats really not selfish in the least. He's Helpful to the point of people taking advantage of him, like stealing his car (yep, that was just a few weeks ago), breaking into his house and stealing his stuff. Trusting to a fault. But I love him for it, and he continues to be like that even though it continues to get him burned. Thats the sign of a really good man. And he's mine. Thats so cool...
Hope you all have a good day!!

A little bit sad, a little bit mad...

A few layouts and a rant.. and yes, I am obsessed with that red zebra striped paper from MAMBI. I have one sheet left and geez I NEED more!!
For months now, Trai has told me how no one makes a big deal of his birthday, or even acknowledges it. So for months I've told him that ain't how it works round here, so he'll have a big deal made of it, presents, birthday cake and all. Then we found out he might not be here, because he might have to go to work out of town. Yesterday he came home at lunch and said his boss man had gone home to South Carolina, with some personal business to deal with and wouldn't be back til next Thursday. Instantly, I was excited because that meant Tuesday for his birthday he would be here. Things were good, I was happy and excited, we had made it far enough to know that he would in fact be home for his birthday and Thanksgiving. We had planned to go riding Sunday, with Shyloh, to the outpost, which would have been an all day adeventure, and I was going to get mom to make him a birthday cake while we were gone and we were gonna really do up his birthday when we got home. All sounds good right?
Then Stacey called, and asked to speak to him. I never saw it coming, got blindsided. Since the boss was going to be out of town, Shyloh and Trai only had little bits and pieces of work to do, so they would have a slcak check. The boss got stacey to call and asked Trai if he would come with them for the week and roof his house (another of Trai's many talents, he's been a grave digger, roofer, truck driver, Marine, Heavy equipment operator, roofer, worked the chicken houses and a welder). He offered to pay him for it, that way he wouldn't have a messed up check or anything like that. Naturally Trai jumped at the chance. Now in Trai's defense, he really REALLY meant well. He meant to make some extra money for Christmas, for his kids, for my kids. Thats a cool thing. As he told me, my childrens daddy(s) don't give a damn, and I'll be hung out to dry right on my own. He means to take care of me and the kids. He meanswell, really he does. But my illogical mind got upset. First, I cried, and cried, and cried some more. He only had about 20 minutes to get packed and be ready, but I sqauwled that whole time. Then he went to actually leave and I got angry. How dare he not think about what we were supposed to do, or that he was going to miss his birthday that was so very important to me to make a big deal of. And Thanksgiving? You can hang that up. Even though Curt says they are coming home next Thursday, I just am not buying it. Maybe he doesn't realize that it's Thanksgiving, maybe he does. But personally, I can't see him and Stacey being at home (they are from South Carolina) and not having Thanksgiving with their family.
So..... We're on the heels of Hunter birthday and the anniversary of his death, plus the illogical half of my mind feels wronged by Trai. And I know, thats bad, I should not feel that way. There's a part of my brain that really feels that way. But then there's that nagging, loud part that says hey, he didn't care what you wanted or had planned, he did what he wanted to again.
Maybe thats part of being bipolar, thats all I can figure. To be able to see that someone is doing good for you, but still think they are the antichrist for making said descision. Maybe he'll make it home for Thanksgiving, maybe he won't. and maybe I'll still be sad and mad today, but maybe, we can hope, I won't...

For Lala and Will, anyone else interested, kinda funny

So Keenan's newest obsession is Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire". Somehow we got off of "gold digger" (thank god for small miracles huh?). So here's his performance videos. Notice his dismay that the flash isn't working....

And a side note:

I have a few things listed on ebay, check them out if you want! Might list some more later today...
http://myworld.ebay.com/dragonflyty2000

There are things I do now that I never did before. Like making him a sausage and cheese biscuit before he goes to work every morning, like watching what I say a little more carefully, like seeing tshirts or dragon what nots and buying them for him just because I think of him, like being more cosistent with how I deal with the kids, like riding the motorcycle, like going new places, like meeting (and liking) new people, like going and getting medicated for the first time in years, again.

There have been times that I thought all of this made him controlling. I've even been questioned byt some people, why was I allowing him to change me, why did I listen to him. But in hindsight, looking at that list of things, I see the truth now. He makes me a better person, a better mom, a better girlfriend. I listen to things he has to say, I think about them, and sometimes I agree with them in the end. I've learned not to judge people as quickly because of him (Even though I had known him for years, I had this preconceived notion of him. I hadn't seen him in 3 or 4 years when I ran into him Last Thanksgiving and I was shocked at the tattoos and piercings, he was not the "pretty boy" I remembered). I judged him, based on how he looked and that motorcycle of his. Too much tv about bikers and people covered in tattoos, so I just knew he wasn't worth my time trouble or heart. Hell, I point blank told him, "You aren't boyfriend material, you aren't even worth spending my time with".

Then, even though I had said that, when he was in town (he worked out of town), wecontinued to see one another. And each time I saw him I learned a little more. I learned that he was adopted and had a very deep love for his father, becauise he gave him a life and loved him when he didn't have to. I learned that he thought the moon and stars hung on his daughter and that her birth had completely changed him. I learned that he had been burned so badly by his ex wife and her antics that he hadn't had a girlfriend in 6 years, and he was fine with that. I learned that he was the type of person always being called upon, because he was the type to help anyone and everyone, the type to give you the shirt off of his back... Then one day, he pulled up at the house and asked me to go have a beer with him. I had called him and asked him to come by, ready to break any form of a relationship off with him, tired of him not wanting to commit to an adult relationship, tired of wondering where I stood with him. I agreed to go have a beer with him, thinking I would tell him there. Instead he blew me away, sat down on a barstool and told me:

"It's time we quit bullshitting around and get serious about one another, now what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Ummmmm, nothing babe".

From that point on, we've been nearly unseperable. I've grown as a person. I'm friends with people I'd have never met if it weren't for him. I'm friends with people I had unjustly judged and thought I knew who they really were. I didn't.

The point of this is, you can't judge someone on looks, thats something I've learned. You can't always assume the worst, something I'm slowly learning. And to the people in my life that thinks he's controlling, because I'm changing: Well, I'm changing for the better, learning as I go and having a damn good time doing it, because I love that boy...

Maybe I'm hard to please

or maybe I'm just right. Amos met with his new therapist yesterday, which unbeknownst to me was a family therapist. Yes, it seems part of his release plan from Laurel Oaks was family Therapy... Well, now call me choosy, but someone could have told me that long ago. Then we'll move on to my next issue. His appointment with the med doctor was scheduled for 245, the therapy, 3pm. We arrived at 230. We sat, and sat, and sat. Finally Dr. McCleod called us back at 330. She asked had he met with Paty yet. Nope I tell her. They finally find Miss Paty and she says to me-

"Your appointment was at 3pm Ms Tharpe"

"Yes, I know"

"It's really important to these sessions that you be on time"

"I've been in the waiting room since 230"

"Oh" she says.

Oh? Are you freaking kidding me? I been here, what have you been doing besides planning how to tell me how horrible I am for being late when in fact I was EARLY!

Now, Onto my next issue.This girl is young, and by young I mean just moved to the area, just began this job, just finished school, no kids kind of young. Tell me if I'm being unreasonable, but dang, for kids like Amos, I'm thinking experience would be a HUGE plus. He's not just another ADHD kid (not knocking that, don't get me wrong). He's ADHD, Bipolar, Borderline Mentally Retarded, has a coordination disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. He's lost 2 brothers, one he never laid eyes on and another that they had not ever been apart since he was 13 months old. He's seen divorce, he's seen me go off my deep end, he's moved around and shuffled so many times until 8 years ago that by 8 months old, he had lived in 17 places. At 18 when I had him I was dumb, at 19 when I left his father, I was still dumb and young about alot of things. This is a kid who hasn't had an easy life without factoring in all the medical problems. I just don't think she's prepared because when she was asking our story, as I explained it, she was like ":Wow, Really? Thats how that happened?" It honestly sounded more like a Big Borther thread on the NSBR at 2peas than a therapy session and I was not pleased at all. We'll see how it goes from here, and by all means, if you have any advice or even if you just think I'm being petty about this Miss Paty lady, tell me! I tried to talk to Trai about it, but he's of the school of thought that she's trained, so she's good enough, regardless of experience or age. I think she's fine for some kids, some families, but a lack of experience is gonna hurt her with us.

Lets see, what else. My mind is wandering more and more into the dark side as Hunter's days approach. Some of you know, some of you are new to me and don't. I have this insane fear of the number 4, irrational I know, but let me break it down to you..

Hunter was my 4th son.

He died after 4 different procedures.

He died at 4 days old.

Tyler was 4 years and 4 months old.

He died in April (the 4th month of the year), on the 8th (divisible by 4).

There are some other 4 things, but right now they defy me.

Now, here's how my crazy mind goes.

Keenan is the 4th child in the house.

He's 4 years and 4 months old.

SO. NOT. COOL.

My mind wanders and it's never good. And K-man wishes I'd stop smothering him at this point...

And that folks, is the end of my ramble for the day!!

Sophia's Thanksgiving Challenge

So, I missed the challenge over the weekend, and I think I'll catch it up now... Sophia gave me alot to think about with this one!!

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1. A childhood Thanksgiving memory. 2. A family Thanksgiving tradtion. 3. Five things you're thankful for...besides family, friends and health. Give it some serious thought and be specific.

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1) A childhood memory huh? For years, every year at Thanksgiving my Gran Nona would make this fruit salad, nothing but a gazillion mini marshmallows, some fruit cocktail and a container of sour cream. I always looked forward to Thanksgiving and knowing Gran would have it ready for me, and the marshmallows would absorb some of the sour cream and get all puffed up and soft. Yeah, thats my favorite memory, fruit salad from my Gran. Now I'm passing that love down, making it for my kids every year, and they love it too!

2) A tradition. Hmmm, this one stretches me a bit, cause well, wouldn't the fruit salad have fallen under tradition too? Maybe I just have fruit salad on the brain. For the last two or three years I've been doing our own tradition, giving each of the kids their own "area" of dinner to make. Savanna is fond of buttering and spicing up the turkey (I want to stick the butter up the turkeys butt mom! Even making her uncle Jase eat said turkey butt because you know, she buttered it extra special for him and he loves her like that), Jakob helping to break up the cornbread for the dressing and doing a whole lot of stirring, Amos and Keenan, well, they haven't picked a favorite thing to do yet, they just choose something and go at it. It's not much, but it's something they'll always remember and they have fun with it..

3) 5 things I'm thankful for... Wow, and we don't want our normal answers. Ok, I got some.

A) music.. Yeah I know, thats an odd answer, but let me be candid here, I'd die without my music. Yesterday I was organizing the music on my computer, making my new playlists, and I realized that 4 out of every five songs I clicked on, they had some meaning, someone they equated too. Music carries such strong emotion, there's a list I have titled angry, one titled Trai, one for Hunter and Tyler, one labeled sad, one thats my favorites. Music is a huge part of me and I need my life too have that soundtrack, I love that soundtrack and I'm thankful I have "The Blues Man" (Hank Williams Jr) with Trai, "My Immortal" (Evanessence) with Tyler and "Breathe" (Anna Nalick) with Alecia...

B) My Mom. Yeah I know Sophia said not family, health, etc, but mom is so much more than family. She's supported me when I needed my ass kicked, cried for me, worried for me, laughed with me. We share Nip/ Tuck, Nascar and a love/ hate relationship with reality tv. But we also shared the death of my boys, her being the only person there when Hunter fought his 4 day fight and lost, Her being the one I frantically needed when Tyler died, when my marriage(s) fell apart and everythying else in between. She was also the first one to encourage me to love Trai, to let me know I needed not judge appearance, but give the boy a chance, and damn am I glad I listened.

C) The Last Year. Yeah, I'm thankful for the last year. It's been amazing. I finally got some closure to many years with Bobby, to the marriage, to the marriage ending, to everything involved with me and him. And I got to do my book, My "Always Remembered" in honor of my babes long gone. That book and my need to do it was what set me on the publishing path. And great friends, damn have I made some. Shyloh, at 60 years old is one of the best friends I'll ever have, always looking out for me, and I NEVER saw that coming when I met him. And then there's Trai, so much reason to be thankful for the last 8 months with him. All of his help, his concern, his love. For a boy that hadn't let anyone love him and hadn't loved anyone in 6 years, he sure knows how to make a girl feel loved, just with a glance and a smile.

D)The internet. Yep, I'm gonna pull some wird ones on you here. Without the net I'd have missed my book chance, I wouldn't have met my best friend ever Alecia, I couldn't check on everyone I love on Myspace, I'd be missing my nephews whole life, with him so far away I have to live it in pictures, but hey at least I've got that. Thank goodness for the net huh?

E) And my last one. Wow, let's see what we can come up with here. Thinking, thinking, thinking (smell the smoke yet?) I'm thankful for my life, all the way around. Yeah, I've loved some and lost some. Kids, husbands, boyfriends, family and friends. But I still have a wealth of love and people in my life. My mom, Trai, Shyloh, Dave, Alecia, the kids, my dad, my sister, my cousin Jennifer (who is like another sister to me). Yeah Life Ain't always beautiful (thanks Gary Allan), but it is a beautiful ride. I've had love given to me, I've been taught new things this year (riding a motorcycle, and loving it, tattooing, what it takes to make a book, how to deal with the struggles that face me with Amos, How NOT to kill an ex husband) and I'm thankful for my life. Cause it's messy, tragic even sometimes, but it's good to me, and I thank my stars for the love and support I have...

Had a great weekend and some thoughts..

Normally this is such a bad time of the year for me, and nothing makes me happy. But this weekend, we had a good one, saw some old friends, did some riding, got some good pictures of myself and the kids, nobody did any fighting. It was calm, and relaxed and I looked at things in a new light.

I saw the things Trai was trying to do to help me, the things he did that he didn't have to do and the effort he put into it being a good weekend. That was something I haven't been able to see lately, I've been high strung and difficult and even mean sometimes. I'm sorry for that to him, he really didn't deserve it. But I guess the point is, sometimes you step back and you can see it clearly, thats all I needed to do...

Sooooooooo

Trai has been very sick for three days. The first time he's been sick since we've been together. Quite the experience, I feel so bad for him, he sounds horrible, really just want to help him, but he's not wanting to deal with anyone. Understandable, but hard non the less, cause my momma genes kick in and I want to make him better, which just aggravates the hell out of him..
Bobby is being super super nice for some reason, always worries me what he might be up to when he does that. Sent me a text message yesterday telling me he still loved me and always had my back no matter what. And that he was glad I went and got back on bipolar meds, cause it would be good for me and he was proud to see me taking care of myself. Yeah, he wasn't that nice when we were married, so what the hell gives?
Thanksgiving coming, and after that Hunters birthday, whih always rips me wide open, then his angel day a mere 4 days later which will tear me up. I'm hoping to survive this year a little bit better, feeling a little more loved and understood by Trai I think might make that difference. Bobby never got it, thought I should just forget about Tyler and Hunter, that 3, 4,5,6,7 years had been far long enough to "get over it". I never could get him to understand that its not something that you just get over. It doesn't consume my everyday life, although some days are rough for no apparent reason, some song or smell or thought kicking off a tidal wave of emotion. But the Holidays, the birthdays, the angel days are too much sometimes. A birthday brings hose feelings of how big would he be? What would he like? How would he talk, walk, learn, eat? So many unanswered questions about both of them. I think Hunter hits me the hardest on that one, cause he was only 4 days old when I lost him, so I knew nothing about him. I can take my memories of Tyler and think, hey I bet he'd like that, or I bet he'd be this tall by now. With Hunter I don't know if he was short, smart, talkative, liked quiet toys or loud toys, cars or action figures, transformers or batman. No clues what so ever. And that totally blows. I miss my angels, Imiss being a part of their lives, I hate that they have a sister and a brother that will never know them. I hate that Tyler got his sister, but he was already gone, and boy, she is a "stone cold" sister just like he wanted. He wanted her mean and tough and sassy and spirited, just like him. And sometimes she's so much like him you have to wonder is he whispering in her ear, guiding her along her little sassy way...
Boy this post took a weird and dramatic turn, I veered off and tripped out. Sorry bout that. I guess on that note, I'll leave for the day...

oh yeah, my last post promised

some of my new work as well as my long list of ramblimgs, so here ya go!!

Some Pages and General life stuff....

Sooooooooo I've been amiss from the blog world for a long long time. So long in fact that might old blog has gone a bit nuts, so I decided I'd just start all over. Afterall, thats what life has been for months now, a fresh start, a clean slate.
Years of Bobby and I, finally put to rest, our futures no longer together in the kind of way they have been entwined for so long. We've been such a huge part of one anothers life, it was bumpy scaling that back, and there were times that it down right sucked, but it's been for the best.
I met this man, well, I say met him, cause I'm funny like that. I've known him for years, alot of years. And I "thought" I knew him, but really and truly, I had no clue. It started kind of as a fun thing, but somewhere it went all serious on us, and thats a good thing. He was more than I could have imagined, tenfold what I hoped for and I truly love him, in a way that I am not sure I have ever truly loved anyone... Anyone that knows me and knows me well, knows that love has never been my strong suit, I've been selfish, I've been arrogant, I've been spiteful, I've been closed off. But with Trai all of that seems to have changed. He awakened parts of me that I never saw coming, showed me things in life I never would have known without him and gave so much of himself that it astounds me. He's had me sleeping in a tent, drinking a beer at 10am, had me fall in love with a motorcycle I swore I'd never ride, introduced me to people that I'd have never crossed paths with on my own and shown me love like I've never seen. And for all that, I got Shyloh as part of a package deal. Dear Shyloh, Trai's 60 year old best friend, my guardian angel, one of my dearest friends, one of the most beautiful people with the kindest heart that I have ever met...
Lets see, kids.... The kids are the kids. Savanna is as smart, smart mouthed and sassy as ever. She doesn't care too much for first grade, each day it's either too hard or too boring. She has been to her first sleepover though, and had her first girfriend sleepover. Boy was it ever weird to pull up at a house for a playdate and find that the childs mother was someone I once went to school with who was one of my best of friends. It had been years since I had seen her, but it was nice, even if it did make me feel a little old...
Amos has had a few issues, all because of his "sperm donor" in my opinion. He was doing fairly well, and taking quite well to Trai, until James decided to sneak behind my back and have someone get him so he could see him. A real class act huh? Sign your rights away then 2 years later decide to stir the shit up by sneking to see the child you NEVER wanted? And to boot, tell Amos "You're mother is a murdering whore"! And you know what, that was some of the nicest of the crap he said... Yeah, class act right there.
Jakob is Jakob, doing ok in school, not as good as he once was, and at that really odd age where he's struggling to figure out who and what he is. I get that, and I'm trying to sympathize, but some days, it's hard!
Keenan,my oh my, what a little booger he is! So much personality all of the sudden. From this sullen let me keep to myself little dude, to I'm all loud and need your attention and I need to make more noise, MORE NOISE! I can't imagine his starting school next year in under a year, I just don't see him being ready at all, but we'll see....
Anyway, I guess that is enough rambling along for now. Oh yeah, go to this site and check it out:
http://www.viewbug.com/user/tysdragonfly/

Thats my page, but anyone can sign up, you upload your favorite pictures, send the link to your friends and family, and each week, there are weekly winners for prize money paid to you through paypal. It seems to depend on how many clicks your picture gets, as to whether or not you get a prize, and prizes seem to range from 10 bucks to 200! My sister just won $10, so I thought I'd give it a go. Go check out some of my stuff, click it, and while you're at it, check out my moms pics too! Click them if you like them!! Here's moms:
http://www.viewbug.com/user/tysninnie/